Doing what, you ask?
A lot.
Recently, my life has changed a lot. And a lot of people have been asking me for updates. I've been fortunate enough to hear some really great rumors about myself, and as entertaining as they are, there are a handful of you that actually deserve to know what's up. And the rest of you at least don't deserve to hear a rumor.
I've been trying to come up with a creative, expressive way to put it in a blog post, but the reality is that I've read maybe 3 books in all of 2017... and 90% of my conversations have been with people who did not finish high school... and my creative writing skills have taken a hiatus. So, lucky you... you just get the facts.
Yes, I moved. From Brockton, back to my parents' house.
No, it wasn't because the neighborhood was too dangerous, or because it was too black, or because I didn't like my neighbors.
I actually loved my neighbors and I miss them so much. I still go back to the neighborhood to see them.
No, it wasn't for financial reasons, though I'm incredibly thankful for the money I'm saving since moving.
The primary reason was a neglectful landlord.
I decided not to take him to court because his wife just passed away, and I felt that would be inhumane.
So I just moved.
Yes, I've been acting differently.
In January of this year, I went to check on someone, and when I opened the door, I found her dead.
She was 31 years old and someone I knew well, and it broke my heart.
She was a veteran who overdosed during a relapse.
After I found her, there were multiple steps in the process, which resulted in me staying with her body for about 5 hours. It's estimated that she had passed 12-24 hours prior to our arrival, and her body had changed a lot in that time.
I also had to be with the police officer when he called her dad, which shattered any broken shards of my heart that were left.
And I had to see her put into a body bag, which still makes me shudder to remember. I hope none of you ever have to see that happen. To this day, when I hear someone crinkle a bag of chips, all I can think about is that white, crinkly body bag. Thinking about the sound is bringing tears to my eyes.
A part of me was zipped into that body bag with her.
In May, I held the hand of another beloved client has he passed. His hand actually got rigor mortis to my hand, which sparked a good deal of hysteria from his loud and expressive family.
And then in September, my longest and most beloved client passed unexpectedly, in my arms and the arms of a dear friend.
These are the worst of my traumas this year, but not the only one. A man attempted to kidnap me in a truck (thanks to a homeless person for intervening and saving me), I witnessed gang violence, I've heard a lot of gunshots, and a territorial fisher cat turned my patio into his nest. Hell of a year. I'm telling you.
I gained a lot of weight, I lost a lot of friends, and anxiety and anger have been my constant companions.
I tried to seek help from my church, but I was denied by 10 "growth groups." I met with a pastor who told me to explore what it meant to be adopted through Christ. I decided that if this is what I'm adopted to, then I want nothing to do with it. I decided that if God had truly saved me, then he would have done just that... save me, from hell on earth. I grew bitter to all my friends and began to isolate. I developed chronic pain in my jaw and shoulders from constant stress tension. I slept very few hours a night and was constantly awoken by gripping nightmares. I started to have bouts of shaking, which I thought were panic attacks. Come to find out, they could actually just as well have been the early signs of stress-induced pre-diabetes. I have never felt so angry, afraid, and alone in my entire life.
And I can't tell you what exactly changed, but for some reason, God has been slowly rescuing me. I joined a community choir for "an outlet," and then went on to join the choir at my church. I kept meeting with that pastor, Dave, and he shared with me how God had preserved his own family through their darkest pains, and he told me, "The Bible says, 'Be merciful to those who doubt.'" The last thing I expected from a pastor was mercy. I found a growth group that actually had an opening. I found mentors at church who actually understood psychological trauma. And my best friend Dee became to me one of the greatest tangible expressions of the relentless love of Christ that I've ever known. I don't really know when exactly these helpful things started to evolve, but to borrow an image from St. Iraneus, it seems that God has just been moistening the hardened clay of my soul with one drop of living water at a time.
My work sent a group therapist to the office and assisted me to get the help I needed. (I have nothing but wonderful things to say about how my work has taken care of me in this process.) And I also began intensive trauma therapy outside of work, which I'm still participating in. These tidal waves were given the name Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder. And though there are still parts of me that have yet to be altered back to normalcy, the waves are getting smaller every day, praise God.
I do have so much to thank God for. Living with my parents has brought a deep sense of rest. Reconnecting with friends, making music, and riding my bike have been strong medicine.
But what has transformed me the most has been the word of God. I don't even know why I started reading the Bible again because I still felt like I probably wasn't a true Christian. But I went to the book of Hosea, because I felt like the image of a wayward whore resonated particularly well for a myriad of reasons. And I read complete paradoxes that somehow made perfect sense to me....
"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3
"So you, by the help of God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God." Hosea 12:6
I can't really identify any lightening bolt moments where everything fell into place. But all I can say is that by the grace of God, I'm stumbling out of the wilderness.
So why am I telling you all this? A couple of reasons.
First of all, I owe so many of you an apology. If I have cut you off, blown you off, lost my temper at you, completely forgotten about something important, or transgressed in any other manner, I'm sorry. I've tried to reach out and make apologies as the memories have come to me. But if I owe you an apology, please do speak up, because I want to give it to you.
Second of all, to ask for grace. One of the most severe issues I've developed has been a newfound, crippling social anxiety. I can't entirely explain why I'm so anxious and avoidant of people whom I genuinely want to connect with. My trauma therapist explained to me that since trauma is lunacy, it sets of a chain reaction of nonsensical thoughts and feelings. I think that's probably the best explanation I have. But I do want to spend time with you. And I do want to talk to you. And right now, I have to graciously ask you to take the first step, and to be persistent, and to accept that even if I'm the mouse and you're the cat, I do still love you and am thankful for your presence in my life.
Third of all, to ask for help, which I'm especially bad at. So many people have been asking how they can help me and I've had nothing. So here is an honest list of things I could use help with:
I need help talking about what I've been through, and I invite questions.
I need help making plans-- social plans, but also just getting normal life to-do lists together.
I need help learning how to be a good friend again, and I need friends who can model that for me.
I need you to help me by not telling me how much your life sucks because the Asian lady filed your nails unevenly and you got a bill for excise tax.
I need you to help me by not avoiding me because you don't know what to say. If all you have to offer is a hug, or a cup of tea, or even just an, "I don't know what to say," I will take it. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing... it will mean the world to me that you tried to say anything at all. You won't hurt me... I've been through worse.
I need you to help me by not chocking it all up to singleness and trying to set me up with somebody. I'm actually intentionally not dating right now and will say no to anyone who asks.
I need gentle reminders when I drop the ball on something.
I need people to respect boundaries and not pursue attention from me. It's a dead end street because I have none to offer. My wells are tapped.
I need your encouraging text, quotes, book recommendations, Scripture verses, and whatever else you send to someone in a predicament.
But most of all, I just need to praise God. And I need you to do that with me, and remind me of all I have to praise him for. Yes, this year has been awful, but I've had a firsthand view of the true sanctity of life. When all else has hit the fan, God has given me the strength and courage to love the face of seemingly insurmountable pain, because each life, no matter how broken, is created in his image. I'm finally on the upswing of my recovery. And when I look back and ask, if I had to do it all over again, would I? My answer is yes. Because Christ laid down his life for me, and greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.
And the laying down of my own life, by God's grace, has given me just a small taste of how God laid down his Son for me.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient unto death-- even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee shall bow on heaven, on earth, and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:5-11
“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant..." Luke 1:46-48
Not till the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
And he doesn't need to because he is God. Thank you for reading and thank you for caring.
Stephanie
A lot.
Recently, my life has changed a lot. And a lot of people have been asking me for updates. I've been fortunate enough to hear some really great rumors about myself, and as entertaining as they are, there are a handful of you that actually deserve to know what's up. And the rest of you at least don't deserve to hear a rumor.
I've been trying to come up with a creative, expressive way to put it in a blog post, but the reality is that I've read maybe 3 books in all of 2017... and 90% of my conversations have been with people who did not finish high school... and my creative writing skills have taken a hiatus. So, lucky you... you just get the facts.
Yes, I moved. From Brockton, back to my parents' house.
No, it wasn't because the neighborhood was too dangerous, or because it was too black, or because I didn't like my neighbors.
I actually loved my neighbors and I miss them so much. I still go back to the neighborhood to see them.
No, it wasn't for financial reasons, though I'm incredibly thankful for the money I'm saving since moving.
The primary reason was a neglectful landlord.
I decided not to take him to court because his wife just passed away, and I felt that would be inhumane.
So I just moved.
Yes, I've been acting differently.
In January of this year, I went to check on someone, and when I opened the door, I found her dead.
She was 31 years old and someone I knew well, and it broke my heart.
She was a veteran who overdosed during a relapse.
After I found her, there were multiple steps in the process, which resulted in me staying with her body for about 5 hours. It's estimated that she had passed 12-24 hours prior to our arrival, and her body had changed a lot in that time.
I also had to be with the police officer when he called her dad, which shattered any broken shards of my heart that were left.
And I had to see her put into a body bag, which still makes me shudder to remember. I hope none of you ever have to see that happen. To this day, when I hear someone crinkle a bag of chips, all I can think about is that white, crinkly body bag. Thinking about the sound is bringing tears to my eyes.
A part of me was zipped into that body bag with her.
In May, I held the hand of another beloved client has he passed. His hand actually got rigor mortis to my hand, which sparked a good deal of hysteria from his loud and expressive family.
And then in September, my longest and most beloved client passed unexpectedly, in my arms and the arms of a dear friend.
These are the worst of my traumas this year, but not the only one. A man attempted to kidnap me in a truck (thanks to a homeless person for intervening and saving me), I witnessed gang violence, I've heard a lot of gunshots, and a territorial fisher cat turned my patio into his nest. Hell of a year. I'm telling you.
I gained a lot of weight, I lost a lot of friends, and anxiety and anger have been my constant companions.
I tried to seek help from my church, but I was denied by 10 "growth groups." I met with a pastor who told me to explore what it meant to be adopted through Christ. I decided that if this is what I'm adopted to, then I want nothing to do with it. I decided that if God had truly saved me, then he would have done just that... save me, from hell on earth. I grew bitter to all my friends and began to isolate. I developed chronic pain in my jaw and shoulders from constant stress tension. I slept very few hours a night and was constantly awoken by gripping nightmares. I started to have bouts of shaking, which I thought were panic attacks. Come to find out, they could actually just as well have been the early signs of stress-induced pre-diabetes. I have never felt so angry, afraid, and alone in my entire life.
And I can't tell you what exactly changed, but for some reason, God has been slowly rescuing me. I joined a community choir for "an outlet," and then went on to join the choir at my church. I kept meeting with that pastor, Dave, and he shared with me how God had preserved his own family through their darkest pains, and he told me, "The Bible says, 'Be merciful to those who doubt.'" The last thing I expected from a pastor was mercy. I found a growth group that actually had an opening. I found mentors at church who actually understood psychological trauma. And my best friend Dee became to me one of the greatest tangible expressions of the relentless love of Christ that I've ever known. I don't really know when exactly these helpful things started to evolve, but to borrow an image from St. Iraneus, it seems that God has just been moistening the hardened clay of my soul with one drop of living water at a time.
My work sent a group therapist to the office and assisted me to get the help I needed. (I have nothing but wonderful things to say about how my work has taken care of me in this process.) And I also began intensive trauma therapy outside of work, which I'm still participating in. These tidal waves were given the name Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder. And though there are still parts of me that have yet to be altered back to normalcy, the waves are getting smaller every day, praise God.
I do have so much to thank God for. Living with my parents has brought a deep sense of rest. Reconnecting with friends, making music, and riding my bike have been strong medicine.
But what has transformed me the most has been the word of God. I don't even know why I started reading the Bible again because I still felt like I probably wasn't a true Christian. But I went to the book of Hosea, because I felt like the image of a wayward whore resonated particularly well for a myriad of reasons. And I read complete paradoxes that somehow made perfect sense to me....
"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3
"So you, by the help of God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God." Hosea 12:6
I can't really identify any lightening bolt moments where everything fell into place. But all I can say is that by the grace of God, I'm stumbling out of the wilderness.
So why am I telling you all this? A couple of reasons.
First of all, I owe so many of you an apology. If I have cut you off, blown you off, lost my temper at you, completely forgotten about something important, or transgressed in any other manner, I'm sorry. I've tried to reach out and make apologies as the memories have come to me. But if I owe you an apology, please do speak up, because I want to give it to you.
Second of all, to ask for grace. One of the most severe issues I've developed has been a newfound, crippling social anxiety. I can't entirely explain why I'm so anxious and avoidant of people whom I genuinely want to connect with. My trauma therapist explained to me that since trauma is lunacy, it sets of a chain reaction of nonsensical thoughts and feelings. I think that's probably the best explanation I have. But I do want to spend time with you. And I do want to talk to you. And right now, I have to graciously ask you to take the first step, and to be persistent, and to accept that even if I'm the mouse and you're the cat, I do still love you and am thankful for your presence in my life.
Third of all, to ask for help, which I'm especially bad at. So many people have been asking how they can help me and I've had nothing. So here is an honest list of things I could use help with:
I need help talking about what I've been through, and I invite questions.
I need help making plans-- social plans, but also just getting normal life to-do lists together.
I need help learning how to be a good friend again, and I need friends who can model that for me.
I need you to help me by not telling me how much your life sucks because the Asian lady filed your nails unevenly and you got a bill for excise tax.
I need you to help me by not avoiding me because you don't know what to say. If all you have to offer is a hug, or a cup of tea, or even just an, "I don't know what to say," I will take it. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing... it will mean the world to me that you tried to say anything at all. You won't hurt me... I've been through worse.
I need you to help me by not chocking it all up to singleness and trying to set me up with somebody. I'm actually intentionally not dating right now and will say no to anyone who asks.
I need gentle reminders when I drop the ball on something.
I need people to respect boundaries and not pursue attention from me. It's a dead end street because I have none to offer. My wells are tapped.
I need your encouraging text, quotes, book recommendations, Scripture verses, and whatever else you send to someone in a predicament.
But most of all, I just need to praise God. And I need you to do that with me, and remind me of all I have to praise him for. Yes, this year has been awful, but I've had a firsthand view of the true sanctity of life. When all else has hit the fan, God has given me the strength and courage to love the face of seemingly insurmountable pain, because each life, no matter how broken, is created in his image. I'm finally on the upswing of my recovery. And when I look back and ask, if I had to do it all over again, would I? My answer is yes. Because Christ laid down his life for me, and greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.
And the laying down of my own life, by God's grace, has given me just a small taste of how God laid down his Son for me.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient unto death-- even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee shall bow on heaven, on earth, and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:5-11
“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant..." Luke 1:46-48
Not till the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
And he doesn't need to because he is God. Thank you for reading and thank you for caring.
Stephanie