I know, you're like-- sure, okay, sounds good, moving along. But I've put the answer-- the names of the people who have hurt me, and exactly how-- in complete code. And if you don't write down the parts you need to along the way, you will waste your time reading. You're only going to get to the bottom of it if you write down the answers along the way. All I ask is that you don't post the answer or ruin it for others once you figure it out.
Did you get your pen and paper? Good. Now, I want you to imagine a scenario.
A veteran comes home from war traumatized. Nightmares, arguments, flashbacks, and complete inability to function in public. Opiates from the doctor to manage the physical injuries soon become the psychological panacea as well. At the mercy of the drug, family members and friends find themselves the next casualties of war, and soon enough the veteran is walking into the doors of a shelter. Forever programmed to never give up, the veteran gives a valiant effort at treatment programs and support services. But the valor is no contest to one bad batch of heroin.
A responder enters the scene, and finds the veteran deceased, needles on the table. The responder calls for support, but the state police medical examiner gets a flat tire on the Sagamore Bridge. Out of respect for the sacrifices of the veteran, and all veterans who lay down health and sanity to grant the privileges and freedoms that each American may enjoy, the responder stands alone by the body of the deceased for 5 hours. The two are close in age, of similar upbringing, and as the responder stares in the grey face of the deceased veteran, a million scenes flash by. The responder considers life, family, addiction, and war-- wondering what can be done. The responder imagines the impending family phone calls a million times over. But despite the horror, there the responder stands, out of duty, honor, integrity, and respect for the deceased, and for all who have laid down their lives for our nation.
As weeks go by, the responder begins to struggle. Inattentive at work, overwhelmed by images, and unable to fulfill responsibilities to family, the responder finds the courage to pick up the phone and ask for help.
This is where your first role in the story comes in.
Imagine that you work or serve at a church, and that you pick up the phone to this distraught responder, and you are the one asked for help.
Still have that pad and paper? Okay, before you read any further, here's what I want you to do: write down what you would say. This isn't an "on the spot" challenge and you don't have to have the words right away-- it's okay to step back and think about this one. Write down everyone you would connect them with, any support you would give to them, and any ideas that you have. Do you have your rough plan? Okay good. Really-- do this little activity before moving on. The end won't make sense if you don't.
Next, I want you to write down any adjectives that come to mind about this responder. Step away from the computer and give it some good thought if you need to. What words reflect your opinion or judgment of this person? What about their family? How are their family members feeling? Take note and write those adjective words down.
Finally, I want you to write down any other people that this responder reminds you of. A character in a movie? Someone you know? A story you've heard before? Write some names.
That's three lists: how you would support, words that describe, and your associations. Step away from the computer and get that all done, and I'll meet you back here.
Did you write it out?
Did you really?
Okay, good. Thanks :)
Now I want you to continue imagining the role play.
You are still volunteering at the local church, and the phone rings again. You pick it up, and it's a single woman in her young twenties, crying. She lives with her parents, who are church members. You don't know her terribly well, but you've heard some stories about her over the years. She's a little overweight, has some acne, and last you saw her, she seemed a little off. She talks openly about going to therapy from time to time. She recently buzzed off her hair. She uses swear words in church. She claims that no Bible studies will let her in. You can't understand what she's saying at first because she's hysterically crying. You ask her where she is, and she tells you she's at home, and her mom went to the store and she is struggling to get through 20 minutes alone. You ask her if she's safe and she says yes, she is fine, she just wants someone to talk to. You ask her if you can call her back in a minute and she says yes.
You are about to clock out and you have 10 minutes left at the church. You've told both the single woman and the responder that you'd call them right back. Where are your energies best focused: the single woman, or the traumatized responder? Where do you spend your time? Draw a line and write what you would say to the single woman on one side-- you've already written what you would say to the responder. Write how many minutes you would spend out of your 10 talking to each, if you would even talk to both. Again, put some thought into it. Would you have someone else call back one of the two people? If so, who and why? Would you call either of their family members instead of calling them directly? Scribble it all down and write out your blueprint.
Finally, I want you to call back to mind the responder's traumatic experience. Picture the veteran who passed, and picture the responder. Did you picture two men? Did you picture their wives and children? Because the story you just read is my story. I'm the responder, and I'm the single woman crying. I'm both. The veteran who passed was a woman as well.
I want you to look at your side-by-side responses to the woman and the responder. I want you to imagine that you pick up the phone to call the responder back, but you give her the response you wrote for the single woman. Does it feel disrespectful?
I want you to imagine giving the response that you wrote for the responder to the single woman crying. Does it seem like she doesn't really deserve it?
Why not?
If you are wondering with whom at my church I am mad at and why, perhaps your focus is misplaced. You are looking at "her"... me... but you are looking past you. So please, brother or sister in Christ, I beg you to not waste one moment more in digging up her problem. Instead, I implore you to look in the mirror, open the word of God, and adjust what needs to be changed in you to be part of the solution. I dream of a day when instead getting over 60 voicemails and messages a day from church people asking, "Can you help my struggling family member?", I have 60 invitations to coffee, lunch, or fellowship saying, "Look at how God has changed me. Look at the responsibility I've taken, Look at how I've grown in grace." Instead of 20+ emails/social media messages saying, "Here's what you need to do with your life," I dream of an inbox full of, "Here's what God has done in mine."
And in the meantime, I will keep exploring my own heart and reaching out for the help I need so that I can say the same.
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I do not choose the colors
He worketh steadily...